“I Don't Want to Go to School!”
At around 7 a.m., Xiao Ming's mother stands with her 4-year-old son at the end of their alley, waiting for the kindergarten shuttle bus. Xiao Ming always clutches his mother's hand tightly. As soon as the bus door opens, he starts crying and insists that he does not want to go to school. This situation has continued for two to three weeks, leaving his parents worried and unsure how to handle it.
What Is Separation Anxiety?
According to clinical psychologist An-An Cheng from the Clinical Psychology Center at National Taiwan University Hospital, separation anxiety is a normal part of a child's emotional development. Most infants develop a special attachment to their primary caregiver. Around 7 to 9 months of age, babies may cry when they can no longer see their caregiver, marking the beginning of separation anxiety.
Cheng explained that a child's crying and resistance can make caregivers feel stressed or uncomfortable. However, it also indicates an important milestone in cognitive and social-emotional development, helping children build a trusting attachment relationship with their primary caregiver.
Parenting reminder cards use scenarios from different stages of child development to help parents understand important developmental milestones and key caregiving priorities throughout a child's growth. (Photo / Courtesy of Mama & Baby)
3 Ways to Help Children Cope With Separation Anxiety
Children who are naturally more reserved or less adaptable may experience greater anxiety and fear during separation. However, these traits are part of a child's innate temperament and personality and should not be viewed as good or bad. Parents are encouraged to understand and accept their child's temperament while avoiding criticism, scolding, or threats.
1、Do Not Dismiss the Child's Feelings or Use Threats
Cheng recommends that parents say goodbye in a calm yet firm manner and repeatedly reassure their child by saying, “I will come back to pick you up.” Parents can also help children identify reassuring aspects of the new environment and gradually encourage them to engage with people and activities around them.
When addressing separation anxiety, it is especially important not to invalidate a child's emotions. Parents should avoid comments such as “Stop crying, that's embarrassing,” or “Don't be such a coward,” and should never threaten the child with statements like, “If you keep crying, I won't love you anymore.” Such remarks can be deeply hurtful.
2、Understand What the Child Is Afraid Of
Parents should try to understand the reasons behind their child's fears and worries. By viewing the situation from the child's perspective, parents can better empathize with feelings of anxiety, fear, and uncertainty while encouraging children to express their thoughts and emotions.
When dropping children off at school or seeing them onto the shuttle bus, parents should say goodbye gently but decisively. Once the farewell is made, it is best to leave rather than prolong the separation.
3、Make Agreements in Advance and Help Children Become Familiar With the Environment
Parents can establish simple routines before separation, such as a warm hug or a kiss, to create a reassuring farewell ritual. Children may also be allowed to bring familiar comfort items, such as a favorite stuffed toy, a small blanket, or a pacifier, to help them feel secure.
On the first day of school, parents can accompany children as they become familiar with the new environment, interact more with teachers and classmates, and build connections. After school, inviting classmates over to play and encouraging children to share fun experiences from school can also help strengthen their sense of comfort and belonging.
In addition, if a child shows delays in cognitive, language, motor, or social-emotional development, or appears overwhelmed by frustration and stress, parents are encouraged to seek professional intervention and support services. Appropriate assistance can help children adapt to new environments and face challenges more effectively.
This article is republished with permission from Mama & Baby.
