When it comes to exam results, parents often worry that their child may not perform well and can't help but blurt out statements like, "How many points did you get today?" or "Why is the neighbor's kid always better than you?" These unintentional words might come from a place of care but can easily become a massive source of pressure for children. A survey conducted by the Children's Welfare League Foundation found that 40% of parents frequently compare, making it the biggest burden in their child's learning journey. This behavior not only affects a child's self-confidence but can also lead to growing distance in the parent-child relationship.
Under the heavy pressure of schoolwork, students in Taiwan commonly face over 10 hours of study time each day. These children, not only have to handle the overwhelming workload from school but also deal with their parents' expectations and comparisons. The "2023 Learning Status of Children in Taiwan" report by the Children's Welfare League Foundation revealed that nearly 40% of children said their parents always compare them with others, and more than 38% said that their parents set exam score standards. This situation adds even more psychological pressure to children who are already feeling exhausted.
Parents' tendency to compare often stems from a common human desire for a sense of superiority. Clinical psychologist Chen Pin-Hao explains that maintaining an external image is a natural human instinct. When we are in a relatively superior position, we naturally feel satisfied and proud. However, some parents cannot accept their own or their child's inadequacies, so they seek a sense of superiority through comparison, often overlooking the harm this behavior causes to their child.
When parents realize their child falls short compared to others, they may blurt out statements like, "Look how great other people's kids are!" Such words undoubtedly add pressure to the child, making them feel even more inferior and helpless. Chen Pin-Hao advises parents to avoid comparing their children and suggests the principle of "only comparing oneself, not involving the child." In social situations, when others ask, "How is your child doing recently?" parents can respond with a simple "Doing well" or graciously accept compliments, quickly wrapping up the topic to avoid focusing too much on their child's grades.
Parents' love for comparison stems from the need to maintain an external image. People who suffer from low self-esteem and self-denial are more likely to compare themselves with others, even transferring this mindset to their children. (Image/Heho)
Caring about more than just grades: wisdom parents should learn
The Children's League's survey also found that in addition to comparisons, many parents' concerns seemed to be limited to academic performance. The survey pointed out that more than 20% of children believe that their parents only care about their grades and ignore other small and big things in life. Not only that, some children even suffer verbal humiliation and even corporal punishment from their parents due to poor performance, which undoubtedly has a negative impact on the child's physical and mental development.
"Why do parents only care about grades?" This may be the biggest doubt in the hearts of many students. Counseling psychologist Deng Shanting explained that Asian societies tend to attach great importance to grades, because grades are the most direct measurement standard and can quickly determine the performance of a child. However, such a single standard has put many students under tremendous psychological pressure. Whether they are unable to meet their own expectations or worried that their grades are not as good as their peers, these are common sources of anxiety in students' daily lives.
Deng Shanting reminded that in the process of growing up, exploring the future direction requires going through a period of confusion. This is not something that can be completed in one or two semesters. She hopes that students will not put too much pressure on themselves. This is a process that requires long-term observation and trial and error. For parents, the most important thing is to give their children enough patience and understanding, and not to ask them to quickly meet their expectations, but to respect their growth rhythm, can truly help them reduce the pressure on their shoulders.
Reducing comparisons and respecting your child’s pace is the best support
A child's growth is not solely determined by academic performance; happiness and self-confidence are equally important goals. Parents should try to avoid comparison and learn to appreciate every small progress of their children. This is the key to making children grow up happily. If parents can no longer only focus on numbers and rankings, but respect and understand their children's ideas, I believe the relationship between parents and children will be closer, and the children will grow healthier and more comfortable.
Parents should remember that instead of using scores to measure the value of their children, it is better to accompany them to explore the unknown world and learn to accept setbacks and enjoy the beauty of growth in the process. When parents let go of their comparative mentality, their children will be freer and more empowered to face their future growth journey.
